I stopped staying late at the office after the incident with Andrew. I knew I couldn’t trust myself.
Instead, I put all my energy where it should’ve been—my engagement with Jason. We spent the next several weekends scoping out venues, narrowing down choices, picking a date. But the fact is we still lacked any real physical intimacy and that bothered me. A lot.
What was I going to do? I was living in this tiny fucking apartment with Jason, whom I loved with all my heart, but he wouldn’t touch me.
Why was I just now letting this bother me? Our relationship was never very physical—ever—so why was it bothering me now? The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone who didn’t touch me is why. Hello, Karianne! Physical intimacy is important. It may not be everything, it may not be the end all to living the rainbow life, but it’s important.
I called up my best girlfriend who lived back home, fifteen hundred miles away, and told her what had happened. I told her about sleeping with Andrew, I told her about wanting to do it again, I told her about him being married with kids, I told her I was a slut and a home wrecker. I told her my life was fucked.
“What the hell are you gonna do?” Sharon chimed in when I finally stopped yammering.
“I have no idea.”
“You love Jason, right?”
“Ohmygod yes. Of course.”
“Can you live without sex?”
“I mean…” I pressed my fingers to my head in the hopes that it would prevent my head from pounding further. “Not forever.”
“Well, maybe you need to initiate more?”
“Sharon! I’ve tried. I’ve done so many different things. He’s been like this forever.”
Sharon didn’t say anything.
“Six years we’ve been together, Sharon. Six years.”
“I know. And I know you love him, but if it’s always been like this, what makes you think anything will change?”