on food and eating and obsessions and, of course, NUTELLA

I overeat.

I eat when I’m not hungry.

I eat when I’m bored, tired, excited, nervous, sad, happy, giddy, infuriated… you name the feeling and I’m eating whilst that feeling is being felt.

I remember sleeping over at my cousin’s house when we were like 10. Kenya is only 6 months older than me so we pretty much were BFF’s. I was in the bathroom peeing and Kenya was in the kitchen toasting bread for breakfast that would soon be lathered with Nutella (we were way ahead of the Nutella craze). As I sat on the pot getting excited about how my teeth would soon sink into crunchy toast with smooth, warm Nutella (that would get stuck to the roof of my mouth because I’d accidentally put too much on), I heard Kenya’s voice travel down the hallway: “How many pieces do you want?”

“Two,” I shouted, thinking that I shouldn’t have the three pieces I really wanted. But at the same time that I spat out my response, Kenya completed her question by adding, “One or two?”

I immediately felt like an idiot. Like I had been caught. Like Kenya, who was into ballet and boys, would know why I wasn’t: because I loved eating food and lots of it.

Did you catch that I was around 10 when this happened? Isn’t that kind of an odd thing to remember? How many fucking pieces of toast with Nutella you wanted when you were 10?

I’m that person that generally remembers very little from back then… partly because there isn’t a lot to remember (boring) and partly because I blocked a lot out (parental split), or partly, perhaps, because of the daily usage of marijuana in the first couple years of my 20s.

Regardless, I don’t remember shit, yet I remember this one time, 30+ ago, when I wanted at least two pieces of toast to my skinny BFF’s one.

Sick. I’m sick. There’s got to be some kind of switch or something in my brain that’s not flipped in the right direction.

Right now, my stomach hurts from today’s food consumption of McDonald’s Egg White Delight (no bacon) Meal (with hashbrown) and large coffee (five cream); an amount of mini Reece’s peanut butter cups that I lost track of after like five; half a blueberry muffin; potato chips; a Smart Ones pasta meal; more chips. It’s 3PM. I still need to eat dinner, too. And it’s Taye’s late night so that means Lovie and I are on our own so that means I’ll probably eat shit.

Not literally of course. (Well to some I’m sure it is literal shit but … you know what I mean!)

I’m not sure what my point is to this, really. I’m fat. I own my fatness. I’m “okay” with being fat, but I’m not. I think it’s the food and my obsession with it that really bothers me. I feel like I can’t NOT think of food. Yes, I need it to survive and all that jazz, but it’s truly an obsession for me.

Maybe I should start smoking again.


22 thoughts on “on food and eating and obsessions and, of course, NUTELLA

  1. Wow, so much here. I appreciate the honesty of this post. First: don’t start smoking again! : ) Food is definitely my “drug of choice”. It has taken me (is taking me) over 30 years to get to the bottom of all of my food-related baggage, but I’m finally getting a handle on it.

    It seems like you have insights into a lot of the reasons “why” you eat – that’s a huge step in the right direction. Keep checking in with yourself about it, and keep writing about it. You’ll figure this out.

    Lots of love to you on your journey,


    • thanks, Karen. I do feel like I know why… and I know why when i’m doing it. but for some reason, I just cannot care enough to stop. 😦 and I have an almost 4 year old that I very well SHOULD be stopping for. if I could slap myself upside the head sometimes I would.

    • you know what? (besides that yes Nutella is utterly amazing) I think I WILL start to write about food. though I do tend to eat a lot of sweets and stuff when writing… 😦

  2. The obsession is so painful. Its courageous to own it and to admit youre okay but not okay. Not hiding behind the Im okay with it so leave me alone…. It sounds as if you are on the way to figuring it out… Its so difficult to find a coping skill that will give you the same bang for the buck…

    • thank you SO much for this comment, Zoe. it really IS painful. I think it’s almost “easier” when the obsession is alcohol or drugs b/c it’s just more easily accepted as an addiction. i’m not saying booze and drugs is an easy addiction but just one more accepted by others. not sure if i’m making sense…

  3. I also overeat. I’m not overweight, I’m pretty average weight wise, but I eat when I’m bored. I eat whenever I’m watching tv. I like to have a snack when I’m reading, or on the subway, or in class. I remember reading something about obsessive eating, if you’re overweight or not, and how it’s mostly about control, or the lack of. I honestly don’t have any advice for this, because I’m the same as you, but just know you’re not alone in this at alllllll.

    • the other day my almost 4yo wanted another grilled cheese. I asked if she was certain b/c she has a tendency to ask for more and then totally ignore it (which is awesome for her and I will NEVER EVER force her to eat)… she said yes and sure as shit, she didn’t take one bite. not to worry, mama to the rescue. :/

    • exercise would help. but honestly, i’d need to be running marathons to allow for what I consume. wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t a daily thing but it is. no, not gonna take up smoking. I live in Chicago–they’re like $25 a pack (okay maybe not *that* much yet).

  4. I have a VERY similar relationship with food. I remember food. I eat when I’m not hungry. I eat until I feel sick. That’s why my weight yo-yos so much. Sigh. I want that switch in my brain fixed.

  5. Good luck to you, Christina! As Karen says above, knowing why you overeat is the first step to controlling it. And you’re definitely not alone! I’m a food junkie myself, with a tendency to equate food with love. I don’t know why I was able to lose weight so easily the one time it really counted, after my Type 2 diabetes diagnosis, maybe because I was really afraid of the potential complications of the disease. I was on a plan with three meals and three snacks, so I was eating a lot of the time, although it was all portion-controlled, nutritious, low-calorie stuff, and it worked. I hope you find the motivation to get started and a plan that works for you.

    • thanks, Linda. this isn’t my first time around the block with this. one year I lost 70 pounds and felt amazing. then something happened (isn’t this always the case) that put a halt on my motivation… and I haven’t been able to find my way back. I was going toward that same mindset just last year, but then, again, something happened to put a stop to it all … sometimes i feel like i’m just drowning in food or something.

  6. christi74 says:

    Instead of trying to stop eating, you could just switch to a healthy food whenever you want to eat. Even if you want junk food, eat an apple first and see how you feel about it. If you’re already living with a stomach ache from eating too much, how different is a stomach ache from being a little hungry? Also, I try to let the kids eat some of my food, especially at restaurants, to leverage their eating power!

    • it’s not that I want to stop eating so much as just eat more normally. we need food to live, but it’s like I take every morsel as if it were my last. I really don’t know how to explain it. I would LOVE to eat an apple instead of chips. sometimes I do. but the reality is that most of the time I do not. the crap food is cheaper and more readily available. that’s why a lot of poor folk are heavier.

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