I’m fat because I eat like shit a lot of the time. And because I’m pretty lazy and hate to sweat.
I’m not telling you this because I’m proud to be fat or something; I’m just stating that I know why I’m fat and it’s not because of some disease or something.
There are lots of disadvantages to being fat. Believe me, I know. But, there are also some advantages.
Like how being fat is a great deterrent to small talk, particularly with those of the opposite sex. And small talk is something I hate more than sweating.
I just don’t give a shit what you think about the weather. It’s hot. It’s humid. It sucks fucking ass. I also don’t give a shit that this is the first time you’ve been in this building and the air conditioning sure is nice and cold compared to the steam bath that smacks you down when you exit the building. It’s summer and it sucks. Don’t talk to me.
How do I get away from this? Remain fat.
This probably sounds ridiculous but I’ve had some experience with this theory of mine: I lost 70 pounds one year and suddenly I was finding that doors were being held open for me. All of a sudden people wanted to talk to me. And laugh and smile.
Those same people don’t even see me now that I’ve gained all the weight back. But it’s (mostly) OK because I’d rather blend in to the background than be singled out and talked to.
I hate small talk, so fat it is.
Another advantage is when it comes time to hold a baby. Babies LOVE me and my cushion. It’s just a fact…see for yourself:
Ahhh can you smell her? She smells SO good I could eat her. Not for real, of course. I mean, yeah I’m fat and all but I’m not a cannibal or something. I just like cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream and…