i’d rather be fat than have to endure small talk

I’m fat because I eat like shit a lot of the time. And because I’m pretty lazy and hate to sweat.

I’m not telling you this because I’m proud to be fat or something; I’m just stating that I know why I’m fat and it’s not because of some disease or something.

There are lots of disadvantages to being fat. Believe me, I know. But, there are also some advantages.

Like how being fat is a great deterrent to small talk, particularly with those of the opposite sex. And small talk is something I hate more than sweating.

I just don’t give a shit what you think about the weather. It’s hot. It’s humid. It sucks fucking ass. I also don’t give a shit that this is the first time you’ve been in this building and the air conditioning sure is nice and cold compared to the steam bath that smacks you down when you exit the building. It’s summer and it sucks. Don’t talk to me.

How do I get away from this? Remain fat.

This probably sounds ridiculous but I’ve had some experience with this theory of mine: I lost 70 pounds one year and suddenly I was finding that doors were being held open for me. All of a sudden people wanted to talk to me. And laugh and smile.

Those same people don’t even see me now that I’ve gained all the weight back. But it’s (mostly) OK because I’d rather blend in to the background than be singled out and talked to.

I hate small talk, so fat it is.

Another advantage is when it comes time to hold a baby. Babies LOVE me and my cushion. It’s just a fact…see for yourself:

newborns fm

Ahhh can you smell her? She smells SO good I could eat her. Not for real, of course. I mean, yeah I’m fat and all but I’m not a cannibal or something. I just like cheeseburgers and fries and ice cream and…




45 thoughts on “i’d rather be fat than have to endure small talk

  1. I’m just fat cause I’m too lazy to not be, and I can’t seem to give up cheese and wine… but I also hate small talk. Who knew there was this added benefit!

  2. The weather here has been nice today. No rain and that’s a great change since it has rained non stop. But the rain makes it more humid. Of course, right? So the humidity makes it hot and that’s not great. Hello? Hello?

  3. Okay. I’m saying it. Yes, what every one else has said. This is funny and wonderful because of stuff like this:

    “Yeah I’m fat and all but I’m not a cannibal or something.”

    But it’s also wonderful because there is a sadness in this piece at the same time.

    And I’m not saying that in a pitying way.

    I’m saying it in a way that is envious. You have a real voice. The voice of a character I’d like to continue reading about. I know this is your voice, but it is also the voice of so many people. So yes. And yes. And keep writing. So glad you put this on the the grid.

  4. I hate small talk more than anything in the world. Especially small talk from strangers about the weather. I loved this post so much I had to read it twice.

  5. Ugh. Small talk. Who knew that my fat ass was actually my biggest, um . . . asset. Although, I will say that there is a certain population of men that actually seek out my type of curves, and I unfortunately cannot escape from their notice or their words. Maybe I just need some more cheeseburgers. 😉

    • thanks Cindy. i think that’s partly why i created this space separate from finallyMom.
      so you have a degree in small talk eh? so i’m curious what you think of folk like me who hardly say anything at all and avoid eye contact. if you think anything at all?

    • oh come on. you KNOW there could be someone reading thinking “yeah you are pretty fat so why not just eat the baby too?” so I just wanted to get that out in the open. I like food, but not humans. ;D

      • Im no lightweight and I always imagined theyd say why don’t you just glue that thing youre eating to your ass cuz that’s obviously where its going.

  6. I think this post rocks. I do want to say first that I adored the photo and laughed so hard that you weren’t going to eat the baby. I find you intriguing and beautiful because you are who you are and stated the advantages of being your weight with pride. Society in general makes people feel like they need to be a size 0 and ribs showing. yuck. I have always been, except while pregnant twice, around 115 – 120 pounds. A few months ago, right before summer, I was put on a new medication. I am eating brownies like they will never be made again. So, last week at my doctor, I had gained up to 137 lbs. An extra 17 lbs isn’t much, but my summer clothes aren’t fitting. I love it. I have a butt I never had before, curves that just would not appear before, and I am digging them. As for small talk and sweat, yep, hate those too. You are awesome lady.

  7. I’m not too great at small talk, because I don’t know how to properly do it – I end up talking about existentialism or my balding tires, and I immediately lose the person to my weirdness. However, I had not thought of your solution to the problem…but I guess we each have to be ourselves, right?

  8. “It’s summer and it sucks. Don’t talk to me.” I cackled at that. You are my kind of person. I don’t know what makes people talk to me, but they always do and it usually makes me angry.

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